Jeff Foxworthy Must Spy on Me

I've discussed this and am fairly certain Jeff Foxworthy has been spying on me. I have a copy of his desk calendar at work and more often than not, each daily "You might be a redneck.." seems to apply to my husband and I. For example, yes, the employees at McDonald's do recognize my voice when I roll through the drive thru at lunch time.

Each Monday my co-workers ask me what I did over the weekend and the answer is always something horribly uncommon. For example, on Valentine's Day I had just finished getting prettied up for a day of possible romance (I had on my best Walmart Bra and underwear with the least amount of broken elastic strings poking out of them)when I chanced to look out the window and saw plastic grocery bags with feet sticking out of them stacked up under my pine tree in the front yard.

Our friendly neighborhood hunter had shot some Canadian geese and dropped them off for my family & I to feast upon. However, the geese were in no way field dressed. They were complete with feathers, guts, feet, heads, etc. Not wanting such a bounty to go to waste, I spent the rest of Valentine's Day scalding, plucking & gutting geese. My husband helped by building the fire to scald the geese on and then chopped their wings and feet off when I was finished. No romance that day.

Another weekend we boiled maple syrup. The week after that we spent Sunday afternoon trying to catch ducks to take to the sale barn. In the summer we all look forward to Dog Shearing day when the neighbors come down with their dogs, or we go up to their place with ours & help each other clip them off using another neighbor's old cow clippers. The men do the clipping, us wives sit on lawnchairs and critique. An annual event not to be missed for sure.

Our dead Christmas tree stayed on the porch until it almost blew off at the end of February. That's when I put my foot down & asked that he at least throw it onto the lawn below. There is a beehive in my dining room. It's waiting for me to paint it. No, there are no bees in it, incase you're wondering.

My toilet has a Step-N-Pee pedal on it. Our very, very old house is crooked which caused the toilet seat to fall down at inopportune times for my hubby. He fixed that. Now you step on the pedal, the seat goes up. Take your foot off, the seat goes down.

My yard is littered with dead animal parts that my dear old dog found and brought back home to roll around on and chew. I can only imagine the horror we've caused those dear little children on the school bus who have to drive past each day and see the carnage. We clean them up & Bud brings home more.

The ducks we spent last Sunday chasing, think our pool is their pool. They enjoy swimming around on the rain water that has gathered on top of the winter cover. They perch on the railing around the deck and leave golf ball sized "presents". This is why we were having the Duck Round Up to begin with.

We still have a rotary dial phone. Our very first computer was purchased Fall of '08. Last year I hit a deer on the way home from work. Then I gutted it, butchered it & we ate it. (I hate to see food go to waste.) Yes, I'm pretty sure Jeff F. gets most of his material from spying on my house. But just to set things straight, I'm not a Red Neck. I'm a Hillbilly.

Why I Do It

I usually go to Apheresis (platelet donating) every two weeks or if that's not feasible then at least once a month. It's a pretty cushy experience provided by the American Red Cross. All I have to do is sit there on a recliner, covered in a blanket with a heating pad under my back & watch t.v. for 70 minutes and not move move my arms. When it's over I get to partake of snacks, drinks and sometimes sandwiches that the dear ladies who work on me (Peg & Deb) make & bring in for all of us donating patrons.

Your body will replenish these platelets in about 72 hours as opposed to the 53 days it takes to replenish whole blood. This allows for more freqeuent giving.

Now, you may ask, what is the point of just donating platelets? Why not donate whole blood? I used to donate whole blood. This is a wonderful thing and when I die I hope someone has a blood drive in my honor. The reason I donate platelets is because there is an unwillingness in the general public to give platelets. And they are sorely needed in the medical community. Do you know someone who has cancer, or leukemia? Someone with a blood disease that requires a lot of transfusions? Someone who had to undergo an emergency operation? Most likely these people needed platelets at some point or another.

Receiving platelets is like giving a little adrenaline shot to your blood. It gives it some pep, it keeps you going. It gets you over the bad spot you find yourself in. It keeps you alive to see your loved ones again.

Due to the path my life has taken, I will probably never get to serve in the armed forces. I will probably never get to be the intervening force between an innocent bystander and harm's way.
So donating platelets is my alternative, my way of standing in the gap for someone else. If two hours of my time once or twice a month is all it takes to keep someone alive, then it's worth it. Who knows, maybe you've had to receive platelets. If so, you might have a little Gretta in you.

Anyone with questions about Apheresis and how to give, please leave a comment. I would be more than happy to answer any and all questions.

Sci-Fi Original

On Monday I was asked what I did over the weekend. After rewinding for several seconds (I have a bad memory) all I could come up with was "I watched the Sci-Fi channel all day Saturday." Oh the horror.

Some of you out there may be wondering what a nice girl like me would be doing wasting a day in front of the boob tube watching THAT. I wonder myself. To me the Sci-Fi channel is like a continuing train wreck, one that I cannot turn away from. Even when I want to.

It's the fascinating movie titles that drew me to it initially: "Frankenfish", "Crocodile II- DEATH ROLL", "Wyvern", "Ice Spiders", "Gryphon". The first time I watched a Sci-Fi original I realized that there was more to laugh at than Comedy Central usually provides me with. As a fairly optimistic happy person I am drawn to things that make me giggle. And therefore I have been watching Saturday Sci-Fi ever since.

This past Saturday I viewed the above mentioned "Ice Spiders" and "Wyvern." As a self proclaimed movie critic for this particular channel I must say that Wyvern was the better of the two. Ice Spiders had all the cliche's that a proper Sci-Fi Original must possess. It had the spoiled Brat (Chad, of course, what other name would there be for such a character) who was an Olympic Hopeful for the ski team. It had the Washed Up Olympic Has-Been (Dan "DASH" Daishnell) who is now hanging out on the slopes giving ski lessons to rich people. We also had The Professor (name unknown) who wore glasses and thought of the huge killer spiders which he created as government property that must be saved at all cost. And of course we had the Hot Black Doctor Chick who Dash wanted to ask out but was afraid to. All of these elements combined with some really lousy animation on the part of the spiders made for prime Saturday entertainment. But other than the shaky moving spiders, this movie rated lower (which is good in this case) on the Cheesiness Scale of 1 to 10. I would give this movie a 5 which is pretty good for a Sci-Fi Original.

Now "Gryphon", which I've only ever managed to catch bits & pieces of, would be about an 8. The swords looked plastic, the gryphon was practically cartoon-like. The characters shout their lines in an exaggerated Shakespearean manner. The actors who can't manage Shakespearean-ness sound like they're reading their lines off of cue cards. It rates extremely high on the Cheesiness Scale as well as the You Will Laugh At Them Not With Them Scale (it comes in at about 9).

I know I should be more productive on a precious Saturday. I like to call Sci-Fi Saturday my all day Abs workout. Come Sunday my stomach will be sore from either laughing or retching at their sad attempts at a serious movie. Tune in next week.

Celebrity Look-A-Likes

I was at the Work Place on Wednesday, ho-humming my way through the morning when one of our patients got my attention.

"You know who you remind me of sometimes, when you're walking around? And don't take this the wrong way, 'cause it's sort of a compliment, but you sort of remind me of Captain Jack Sparrow."

I paused to reflect on that. Capt. Jack? Really? Hmmm, I guess that IS sort of a compliment. It could also mean that I'm wearing way too much eyeliner. I tried for a brief second to imagine what I must look like when I walk to the average bystander. Do I really have such an exaggerated swagger?

Then I recalled something the same person told me a month or so ago. He said I could be one of the Wiggles. I don't have any small children (or large children for that matter, just a really fat, bossy peach colored cat) so I have never watched the Wiggles. It made me want to run home and You Tube it and see what results would pop up. He went on to mention that I was rather theatrical. I never thought of myself that way. In a last ditch effort to salvage my self esteem I filed the comment about being one of the Wiggles away under "Things People Say Under Duress." Perhaps he was in such pain from the physical therapy that I was inflicting upon him that he was hallucinating these comparisons.

The very same day as the Captain Jack comment, another fellow came in. He was an older gentleman I hadn't met before, but I was pretty sure we were gonna get along. Who can't like a guy who wears a sweatshirt that says "Geezerjock"? As I was working with him, he looked up at me & said "You know who you look like?"

Golly Nell, not this again. I was hoping he wasn't going to start naming the TeleTubbies or the cast of Blues Clues.

"Sandra Bullock. You know, the one that was in the movie about the FBI agent that gets in the beauty contest?"

Oh thank heavens, something I can deal with. Thank you, thank you, thank you....

"Yeah", he goes on, "I like Sandra Bullock, she's sexy and funny, you know, not beautiful..."

Not beautiful? Drat. But sexy & funny is ok I guess, so I'm gonna just take this at face value & not delve too deep. My boss from the Former Work Place used to say I looked like Sandra too so maybe I do. I see people that remind me of celebrities too. One guy who comes in to the office is Robert Plant incarnate (Robert from the 70's that is.) Another guy looks just like Santa Clause. So much so that the week of Christmas I started asking him what his favorite snacks were and reminded him that I was definitely on the Nice List. And there is a lady who comes in that reminds me of Ol Golly's mom in the book "Harriet the Spy." I could definitely live with looking like Sandra.

This perked me up until lunch time, when I had time to recall these comments and put them all together. I can only imagine the picture this must paint for those who never met me. Sandra Bullock's face, and Jack Sparrow's body language with choreography by the Wiggles. What a bizzare scene to behold. How did I manage to elude Hollywood for so long? Or the mental institution for that matter. And society is letting me walk around like that? No wonder crazy people in Walmart find me so approachable. They think I'm one of them. Maybe I am since I actually don't mind.

Maybe this is why my husband hardly ever takes me out to dinner. If he ever does, you'll recognize us right away. Just look for the girl who reminds you of Sandra Bullock holding the hand of the guy who looks like Dale Jr.

They're All Idiots

I'm usually a Live & Let Live sort of person. Patience is a virtue that I try to embrace. I don't mind people going about their business as long as it doesn't interfere with me going about mine. However, it seems that I do get a little defensive when it comes to honeybees. Me & the bees are like this: (picture me twisting my "Pointer" and Middle Finger together). We're tight. Just the honeybees though, I'm really not into wasps, yellow jackets, hornets and Maybees (the fat black ones that buzz around - "Maybe" they'll sting you & "Maybe" they won't.)

But I will go to great lengths to rescue a drowning honey bee, or pick one up & just let it walk around my hand. They're beautiful if you take the time to look at them up close, instead of running & screaming, or crushing them with your flip flop.
They are very intelligent. I've pulled many out the swimming pool & let them dry themselves off on my hand, watching them. They usually preen the water off themselves, flutter their wings dry and when their ready they'll fly away & go about their business.

My obsession with the little creatures is such that my goal for the year is to get some of my own. I was on the Internet the other night browsing around for more bee suppliers, catalogs, etc. when I came across a website, written by vegans to discourage others from eating honey. They claim (it makes me po'd just remembering it) that beekeepers are nothing better than slave drivers. We hold the bees captive and force them to work. If they swarm we try to catch them & stuff them back in the hive. We truck them around, not caring at all for their well being (or "Bee-ing", ha ha, bad pun, lets move on) and not only that but was the public aware that honey is made from BEE SPIT?!! Needless to say I was FUMING by the time I got to the end of their article.

I'm surmising from their At One With Nature attitude that vegans only eat acorns and grass. Everything else needs bees to make it grow. Vegetables. What pollinates vegetables? Bees. Fruits. How does fruit grow? On a tree of course, which blossoms in the spring and is pollinated again by, class? Yes, bees.

Now let's talk about the part about honey being made by Bee Spit. This is a true fact more or less. Just like eggs come out of a chicken's butt and milk comes out of a cow's udder, and most vegetables are grown in poop. To be more scientific, here is how honey is made:
Sucrose is a 12-carbon sugar molecule and also the most predominant sugar found in nectar. A Bee collects nectar. On the way back to the hive, it adds an enzyme called invertase to the nectar. This changes the 12-carbon sugar molecule to two six-carbon sugars: glucose & fructose.
When Miss Worker Bee gets back to the hive, she hands off the nectar to Miss Receiving Bee (they are all females, it's true, look it up) who adds more invertase then finds a nice little empty honey cell she can store it in & tend it.
Evaporation occurs reducing the water percentage in the nectar from 80% to 18-19%. In addition, due to the enzymes the bees so thoughtfully added, the sugar content rises from 20% to just over 80%. And that my friend is how honey is made.


Now for the part about trying to prevent swarming & stuffing bees back in the hive. I'm am totally offended by this. This is almost as offensive as cell phones, ha ha.
Bees swarm when the hive gets too croweded. Half will fly off looking for accomodations that will fit them. The other half stays put & keeps on keeping on.
A beekeeper doesn't catch a swarm of bees and jam them back into the box they came out of. That's preposterous! But whatever. The Vegans can think whatever they like. As for what I think, I think they're all idiots.

Maybe that's what I should've named my blog. "They're All Idiots".

Super Powers

Super powers, do humans really possess them? I think yes. In fact, I've been assigning powers to people throughout the day today. It all started with an email this morning to my dear old mom. She asked how my husband was doing and I answered that he is obsessively fixing antique wind up mantel clocks, kitchen clocks, steeple clocks, and cuckoo clocks.
The man is genius. He looks inside at all those cogs & gears & knows just what needs done. Somehow he has cracked the code and seems to understand clocks like it's no big deal & everyone should be able to do it. I've decided to call him Tick Tock the Clock Man. The only thing he can't do yet is learn how to speed time up until I get home from work & then slow it back down. If he were fictional I'm sure he could do it. Or if he hates me then he could do it in reverse & speed up the time that I am home & slow down the time when I'm at work. That's how time seems to go as it is so, HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!
My sister I would call Bad Luck Woman, Deputy Sheriff of Murphy's Law. If there is a policeman in the area, he will find her and pull her over for some mundane reason a normal person would not get pestered for and this will happen to be on the one day that she can't find her wallet with her driver's license in it. If there is one sharp object on the road it will give my sister a flat tire. If she runs out of water for some strange reason, it will be while she's got shampoo in her hair. If she's in a hurry, her dog will dash off when she opens the door and make her chase it for 45 minutes. If she tries to bake a cake she'll be one ingredient short of success. If she does achieve success she will wreck her truck on the way to where the cake is going. If she's actually ready to leave on time for once she'll spill something on herself moments before leaving. If she goes on a flight, she will check her bag (which she has put her car keys, phone, etc. into)and it will get mixed up at the baggage claim and be taken home by some old guy who didn't have his glasses on & thought he had the right bag. I know. You laugh. Most of these examples are true. I assure you, my imagination is not THAT good. She makes Bella Swan look like a walk in the park.
I think my super power would be the ability to eat absolutely horrendous food & not get sick. I scoff at expiration dates. They are merely a guideline, not a rule. A little green fuzz never hurt anyone. Last year I wanted to make myself some dip & needed some sour cream. Too lazy to run to the store I hunted up some in the way far back part of the fridge. The part that makes Harlem look bright & friendly in comparison. I opened it up. The expiration said Feb 08. It was Sept 08. Since I was the only one eating it I thought, Oh what the heck. Afterall I hadn't had a sick day in over 3 years, I figured I was due. I ate it all. Nothing. That is just one example. I also revel in stinky food, spicy food, seafood, landfood. I'd be a fantastic hobo or homeless person. Maybe I'll call myself Super Immune Girl. Able to eat E Coli and say "YUM!" Salmonella runs when it sees me coming. It knows I'll just digest it & move on. No reason to linger here! The bacteria living in my stomach would make the Italian Maffia look like a basket of kittens.
My other super power is book reading. Nerdy yes. I can finish off a book in less than a day now. Twighlight, New Moon, they didn't stand a chance. Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, that was a marathon. Didn't go to bed till 2:30am that night. I was well prepared to call in sick or late the next day.
If you have a super power, post a comment, let me know!

Stupid Cell Phones

Even though this is going to tick off 99% of the world's population, I'm throwing this out there anyhow. Afterall, no one is reading this blog anyways. If they did I would see a comment now and then. So here goes and let the chips fall where they may.
You cell phone people are driving me crazy. Yes. You heard me. You're rude and I'm sick of it. Everywhere I go people are yakking away on their little plastic phones. LOUDLY too. What is it that would make someone want a cell phone to begin with? I'm curious.
When I confront someone about their cell phone (yes, I'm brash enough to do that) they give me the excuse "Well, I like to have it with me for emergencies."
Really?
When was the last time you were standing in line at the store & heard this phone conversation behind you:
"Hello? Oh my word!! Are you Ok?!! You're WHERE?!! Pinned underneath the burning wreckage of your car????!!! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!!!"
Another example:
"Hi Sweetie. WHAT?! THE ROOF CAVED IN?!! I WILL BE RIGHT HOME!!!"
Those are just two of many examples of what could be classified as an emergency.
Here is what we usually hear:
"Yeah, the judge said he had to pay $500.00/month in child support. You know the bastard will never pay a cent."
Or:
"Totally. Yeah. Uh-huh...... I got the red one too....... Do you think red makes me look fat?.......Thanks............ Yeah, I got the strapless kind. Ha ha....... He wishes..."

Seriously folks, when was the last time you used your cell phone for an emergency? A REAL emergency? I classify an emergency of a matter of Life, Death, or Perishable Goods. Perhaps my family has set the bar so high that I no longer think of anything as an emergency.

"What? My sister dated a 40 something man with a trach, traveled around America with a car full of illegal Mexicans & then decided to settle down & date a midget? My dad's been deployed to Iraq? My dad's been blown up? My mom's got breast cancer?"

You see where I'm going with this. So don't give me your stupid excuse about needing cell phones for emergencies. I've not needed one for any of the above emergencies and somehow managed to live to tell the story.
Why does America feel the need to be available to everyone day and night? What is wrong with you people? Don't you want to be left alone? Maybe if they were related to my family, they'd feel different.
When I leave the house I don't want bothered. If the car breaks down, I'll start walking. No wonder everyone is so obese. When their car breaks down they just sit comfortably & call a tow truck instead of walking to the nearest house & borrowing a phone.
When I leave the house I give the cat strict orders: "If anyone calls & leaves a message, erase it for me before I get home."
A few years ago my dad threatened to give me his old cell phone. I told him if he did I'd throw it in the Raystown Lake. So there.
In summary I'd just like to reiterate that I think people are idiots. If everyone would just think for themselves instead of relying on dialing their network of other idiots, we might be a little further ahead than we are now. It's a good thing I'm not president. But I digress.