More Tips for the Poverty Stricken

As I write this, it is 5:48am and I've already had a pot of coffee and cleaned cat puke off the rug. Ce la vie. It's going to be a good day.

Anyhow, the first round of Tips for the Poverty Stricken were so wildly popular with the masses that I felt the need to elaborate further. Here goes:

Tip #1: The Self Hair Cut. You will find at some point, that your hair has grown unmanageable. You will want to have someone cut it for you. Someone who can actually SEE the back of your head. But alas, everyone you know who cuts hair professionally charges....money. And you have none. You can: ration out your Ramen noodles from the Dollar Store to save $12 for a hair cut. You can flip the couch over & shake out all the cushions and roll any change that may spew forth. Or you can cut your hair yourself.

If you follow this blog, you may have noticed a few posts back that I had a little mishap with my own hair recently.See: http://welcometomypsychosis.blogspot.com/2011/03/dealing-with-bad-hand.html  (I don't know if clicking on that will really take you there because I'm no internet genius but what the hey, try it out & let me know how it goes, if it doesn't work, just scroll down, like, two posts.) Hair disasters are to be expected when you're penniless. It's like shopping at the Dollar General (they should pay me royalties or something for all the business I'm throwing their way, HINT, HINT!) you don't have to like it but you need to accept it. Plus, think how your hair looks now. Could anything you do really make it worse?

So be brave and fearless, grab those scissors and hack away. We can all look horrible together.

Tip #2: Avoiding the Gas Pump. I've recently noticed the sky rocketing gas prices. This does not help the plight of the Poverty Stricken one bit. One of my favorite hobbies is coasting around with the car on "E", mostly out of necessity, and maybe a little bit because, like Kramer on Seinfeld, I just want to see how far I can really go before the car rolls to a complete stop. Eventually though, you will be forced to mug a nice old lady for $5 so you can put a half gallon in the tank. Make the most of your 12 miles of freedom. Try not to run around all willy-nilly. Plan your trips wisely. (That's actual advice, not the casual sarcasm I usually throw at you.)

Also (back to casual sarcasm) keep a pair of sneakers in your car, if not on your feet. When your car runs out of gas, you'll want to be able to walk to the nearest place to beg use of their phone so a person with more gas than you can come to your rescue.

Why not use your cell phone to call for help? BECAUSE YOU'RE POOR. YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. If you still have a cell phone, you are not poverty stricken, you're just "strapped for cash." Plus, if you live around here, you probably don't get a signal anyways so you might as well just throw your phone in the Raystown Lake. (I don't know why, but that's always where I seem to suggest throwing them, see older posts from 2009 on that subject. Someday they'll drain the dam & find like 10,000 cell phones at the bottom & I'll get hauled in for littering, or at least blamed for it, even though I don't even have a cell phone. But I digress.)

So what were we talking about? Oh yes, make sure you have comfy shoes to walk for help in.

Tip #3 It's Ok to Eat Dead Stuff. Ok, this might offend some. Especially if you are vegan or vegetarian or Californian. If, theoretically, you happen to say, get hit by a deer (not the other way around because after all, your car never left the road- THEY lept out at YOU) while driving down the road minding your own business, and if, theoretically, that hit is fatal to the deer (stay with me on this) why not.... eat it? I'm just sayin'. It's perfectly good meat, you know it's fresh and your car already made hamburger out of most of it. It's not like the deer's family is going to come by and demand you return the body so they can properly lay it to rest at the side of the road for the buzzards to snack on. And, let me remind you, you're Poverty Stricken (I like to capitalize those words to make us Poverty Stricken feel important) you don't get to pick & choose any more. You're a bottom feeder now and you're probably getty pret-ty sick of those Ramen noodles.

 So if you run over something substantial, go on, eat it. But first butcher it and cook it. I don't want you to get worms then get all fussy at me for not telling you to cook it first. Sheesh, do I have to do all the work around here? ***NOTE**** Dear PETA, do not send me any letters telling me I'm awful for eating God's animals. That's why he gave them to me in the first place. Plus the deer was dead anyhow. Why waste it?

Ok. Well that's it for today, my caffeine induced haze is wearing off. See you next time, kids. Same bat time. Same bat channel.

Tips for the Poverty Stricken

Hey Kids! Do your bills exceed your earnings? Have you already sold the family heirlooms and a kidney to make ends meet? Are you cold and hungry? Are you considering turning to a life of crime? If you answered yes then Congratulations! You're poverty stricken!

Here are some helpful tips for those who are new at this:

1. the Dollar Store or Dollar General
Forget Walmart. That's for lower middle class, or upper lower class. You, my friend, are now lower lower class. You will not be shopping at fancy places that can hire greeters or have motorized carts. Find a local Dollar Store. Embrace it. It is the key to survival.

2. Ramen Noodles.
For a mere $1.00 you can buy a six pack of Ramen Noodles. (That is SIX MEALS for a DOLLAR!)They come in a variety of flavors, being: Chicken, Beef, or Shrimp. Chicken for lunch, Beef for dinner, and Shrimp for those special occasions that call for seafood, such as an anniversary or Fridays during the Lenten Season.

3. Coffee!
When paired with the Ramen Noodles, you have a substitute for heat! The coffee and Ramen Noodle combo will warm you up and get you hyper about your unsatisfactory station in life. With the extra burst of energy, you may even find yourself a new job! But probably not. I haven't yet. At least not one that doesn't pay in magical beans or coupons. But that's no reason for YOU to lose hope!! However, in the event that a miracle doesn't occur, the sodium in the soup as well as the carbs from the noodles will get your blood flowing and circulating and help keep you warm. The coffee mug (provided you still have one) can be filled with coffee, which when clasped between your freezing paws also acts as a handwarmer. When the mug is empty, you can use it to panhandle for change.
Don't underestimate the power of coffee.

4. Handy Excuses!
You will need these to ward off your friends when they innocently ask you to go out to lunch with them. They don't know you're poor- it's one of those crazy things you just don't sing about from the rooftops. So unless you don't mind saying "Sorry, I'm a total failure with no prospects, no heat, and no money" then I suggest you start your list of excuses. I'll even help get you started:

"I can't, I've got an appointment to donate at the Red Cross" They don't need to know you're actually going because you get paid to donate and you really need a dollar for a new sixer of Ramen noodles. They'll think you're a swell upstanding citizen, doing your part to better humanity.

"Sorry, I have an appointment to hang out with my Gramma that day.." Maybe you have a gram, maybe you don't. Maybe that gram has a house that has heat, or maybe she has something to eat that's not a Ramen noodle, it doesn't matter, what matters is that it SOUNDS GOOD.

"I have a job interview that day." Wishful thinking, huh? But a valid excuse.

I would like to add more to this post but the electric company is shutting off my power in a few moments*. Stay tuned for my next post "How to Sneak in Someone's House to Blog" followed by "Delightful Recipes involving Ramen Noodles You Can Cook Over a Campfire in Your Living Room."

*No Gram, you don't need to worry, they're not really turning off my power. But I AM coming to your house tomorrow...