It started so innocently. Someone opened an Old Folks Home in town. Then another one opened across the street. After a few decades, they both slowly, ever so slowly, began to expand. First by building an addition here, and an addition there. Then, ever so sneakily, they began to stretch outward in a never ending sea of cottages and apartments. They gave the new streets quaint names like “Memory Lane” & “Milk of Magnesia Rd.” No one noticed. No one ever saw it coming.
For years we’ve been ignoring them. It’s what they counted on. It gave them time to see their plans come to fruition without the younger crowd foolishly interfering. It’s all part of their master plot. Yes. The Old People are taking over the world and Martinsburg has become their sprawling Mecca.
Now that they’ve taken over the town, they no longer stay contained within the confines of the Homes. They’re Day Walkers. Worse yet, Day Drivers. Randy Marsh on South Park was right when he went running down the road screaming “STAN! STAN! GET OFF THE ROAD!! THE OLD PEOPLE ARE DRIVING!!” Oh I’ve seen it. And since most of my very part-time jobs are in Martinsburg, I’ve even been stranded in their parades, slowly cruising through town with the other dismayed drivers reaching break neck speeds of 15mph.
But the Day Drivers are just a distraction. They’re like Kamikaze drivers sent forth to wreak havoc and chaos while the others, yes there are others, stay behind in the secret lair to continue plotting. Although I have no blue prints or otherwise solid evidence to back up my theory, I feel fairly confident that there is a huge underground room that connects the two Old Folks Homes. They call it the “Canasta Room” but that’s not what’s really going on inside. That’s just a clever guise to ward off any intruding Younger People.
Imagine my surprise to find myself part of their evil schemes. Do you know why? Because they have mastered the power of Mind Control. They needed a younger body, a minion of sorts to do their bidding. I still don’ t know how they hooked me originally. But when I step back, I realize that a lot of my friends are retired plus. They range from early 60’s to mid 80’s. I’m only 33. And apparently they’ve been secretly grooming me for years. The church ladies, my Quilting Ladies, even my OWN GRANDMOTHER (Gram! How could you!) Their plot is so diabolical that even I, the Chosen One, have yet to discover what they’re really up to.
Their geriatric apocalypse is nigh. But I’m sure they’ll wrap it up by 3:30pm so they can be back to have dinner by 5:00pm and be in bed by 6:30pm. And it won’t be on a Saturday cause that’s when everyone gathers in the “Canasta Room” to watch Lawrence Welk blow bubbles on their gigantic flat screen television while they enjoy umbrella drinks filled with Ensure.
I am supposed to be marking a quilt right now. But the then the Old People “inspired” me to blog instead, thus rendering me useless to all humanity. And there was nothing I could do about it. See how they are? It's all about trickery. They’re very clever. Well played, Old People.