On Monday I was asked what I did over the weekend. After rewinding for several seconds (I have a bad memory) all I could come up with was "I watched the Sci-Fi channel all day Saturday." Oh the horror.
Some of you out there may be wondering what a nice girl like me would be doing wasting a day in front of the boob tube watching THAT. I wonder myself. To me the Sci-Fi channel is like a continuing train wreck, one that I cannot turn away from. Even when I want to.
It's the fascinating movie titles that drew me to it initially: "Frankenfish", "Crocodile II- DEATH ROLL", "Wyvern", "Ice Spiders", "Gryphon". The first time I watched a Sci-Fi original I realized that there was more to laugh at than Comedy Central usually provides me with. As a fairly optimistic happy person I am drawn to things that make me giggle. And therefore I have been watching Saturday Sci-Fi ever since.
This past Saturday I viewed the above mentioned "Ice Spiders" and "Wyvern." As a self proclaimed movie critic for this particular channel I must say that Wyvern was the better of the two. Ice Spiders had all the cliche's that a proper Sci-Fi Original must possess. It had the spoiled Brat (Chad, of course, what other name would there be for such a character) who was an Olympic Hopeful for the ski team. It had the Washed Up Olympic Has-Been (Dan "DASH" Daishnell) who is now hanging out on the slopes giving ski lessons to rich people. We also had The Professor (name unknown) who wore glasses and thought of the huge killer spiders which he created as government property that must be saved at all cost. And of course we had the Hot Black Doctor Chick who Dash wanted to ask out but was afraid to. All of these elements combined with some really lousy animation on the part of the spiders made for prime Saturday entertainment. But other than the shaky moving spiders, this movie rated lower (which is good in this case) on the Cheesiness Scale of 1 to 10. I would give this movie a 5 which is pretty good for a Sci-Fi Original.
Now "Gryphon", which I've only ever managed to catch bits & pieces of, would be about an 8. The swords looked plastic, the gryphon was practically cartoon-like. The characters shout their lines in an exaggerated Shakespearean manner. The actors who can't manage Shakespearean-ness sound like they're reading their lines off of cue cards. It rates extremely high on the Cheesiness Scale as well as the You Will Laugh At Them Not With Them Scale (it comes in at about 9).
I know I should be more productive on a precious Saturday. I like to call Sci-Fi Saturday my all day Abs workout. Come Sunday my stomach will be sore from either laughing or retching at their sad attempts at a serious movie. Tune in next week.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Celebrity Look-A-Likes
I was at the Work Place on Wednesday, ho-humming my way through the morning when one of our patients got my attention.
"You know who you remind me of sometimes, when you're walking around? And don't take this the wrong way, 'cause it's sort of a compliment, but you sort of remind me of Captain Jack Sparrow."
I paused to reflect on that. Capt. Jack? Really? Hmmm, I guess that IS sort of a compliment. It could also mean that I'm wearing way too much eyeliner. I tried for a brief second to imagine what I must look like when I walk to the average bystander. Do I really have such an exaggerated swagger?
Then I recalled something the same person told me a month or so ago. He said I could be one of the Wiggles. I don't have any small children (or large children for that matter, just a really fat, bossy peach colored cat) so I have never watched the Wiggles. It made me want to run home and You Tube it and see what results would pop up. He went on to mention that I was rather theatrical. I never thought of myself that way. In a last ditch effort to salvage my self esteem I filed the comment about being one of the Wiggles away under "Things People Say Under Duress." Perhaps he was in such pain from the physical therapy that I was inflicting upon him that he was hallucinating these comparisons.
The very same day as the Captain Jack comment, another fellow came in. He was an older gentleman I hadn't met before, but I was pretty sure we were gonna get along. Who can't like a guy who wears a sweatshirt that says "Geezerjock"? As I was working with him, he looked up at me & said "You know who you look like?"
Golly Nell, not this again. I was hoping he wasn't going to start naming the TeleTubbies or the cast of Blues Clues.
"Sandra Bullock. You know, the one that was in the movie about the FBI agent that gets in the beauty contest?"
Oh thank heavens, something I can deal with. Thank you, thank you, thank you....
"Yeah", he goes on, "I like Sandra Bullock, she's sexy and funny, you know, not beautiful..."
Not beautiful? Drat. But sexy & funny is ok I guess, so I'm gonna just take this at face value & not delve too deep. My boss from the Former Work Place used to say I looked like Sandra too so maybe I do. I see people that remind me of celebrities too. One guy who comes in to the office is Robert Plant incarnate (Robert from the 70's that is.) Another guy looks just like Santa Clause. So much so that the week of Christmas I started asking him what his favorite snacks were and reminded him that I was definitely on the Nice List. And there is a lady who comes in that reminds me of Ol Golly's mom in the book "Harriet the Spy." I could definitely live with looking like Sandra.
This perked me up until lunch time, when I had time to recall these comments and put them all together. I can only imagine the picture this must paint for those who never met me. Sandra Bullock's face, and Jack Sparrow's body language with choreography by the Wiggles. What a bizzare scene to behold. How did I manage to elude Hollywood for so long? Or the mental institution for that matter. And society is letting me walk around like that? No wonder crazy people in Walmart find me so approachable. They think I'm one of them. Maybe I am since I actually don't mind.
Maybe this is why my husband hardly ever takes me out to dinner. If he ever does, you'll recognize us right away. Just look for the girl who reminds you of Sandra Bullock holding the hand of the guy who looks like Dale Jr.
"You know who you remind me of sometimes, when you're walking around? And don't take this the wrong way, 'cause it's sort of a compliment, but you sort of remind me of Captain Jack Sparrow."
I paused to reflect on that. Capt. Jack? Really? Hmmm, I guess that IS sort of a compliment. It could also mean that I'm wearing way too much eyeliner. I tried for a brief second to imagine what I must look like when I walk to the average bystander. Do I really have such an exaggerated swagger?
Then I recalled something the same person told me a month or so ago. He said I could be one of the Wiggles. I don't have any small children (or large children for that matter, just a really fat, bossy peach colored cat) so I have never watched the Wiggles. It made me want to run home and You Tube it and see what results would pop up. He went on to mention that I was rather theatrical. I never thought of myself that way. In a last ditch effort to salvage my self esteem I filed the comment about being one of the Wiggles away under "Things People Say Under Duress." Perhaps he was in such pain from the physical therapy that I was inflicting upon him that he was hallucinating these comparisons.
The very same day as the Captain Jack comment, another fellow came in. He was an older gentleman I hadn't met before, but I was pretty sure we were gonna get along. Who can't like a guy who wears a sweatshirt that says "Geezerjock"? As I was working with him, he looked up at me & said "You know who you look like?"
Golly Nell, not this again. I was hoping he wasn't going to start naming the TeleTubbies or the cast of Blues Clues.
"Sandra Bullock. You know, the one that was in the movie about the FBI agent that gets in the beauty contest?"
Oh thank heavens, something I can deal with. Thank you, thank you, thank you....
"Yeah", he goes on, "I like Sandra Bullock, she's sexy and funny, you know, not beautiful..."
Not beautiful? Drat. But sexy & funny is ok I guess, so I'm gonna just take this at face value & not delve too deep. My boss from the Former Work Place used to say I looked like Sandra too so maybe I do. I see people that remind me of celebrities too. One guy who comes in to the office is Robert Plant incarnate (Robert from the 70's that is.) Another guy looks just like Santa Clause. So much so that the week of Christmas I started asking him what his favorite snacks were and reminded him that I was definitely on the Nice List. And there is a lady who comes in that reminds me of Ol Golly's mom in the book "Harriet the Spy." I could definitely live with looking like Sandra.
This perked me up until lunch time, when I had time to recall these comments and put them all together. I can only imagine the picture this must paint for those who never met me. Sandra Bullock's face, and Jack Sparrow's body language with choreography by the Wiggles. What a bizzare scene to behold. How did I manage to elude Hollywood for so long? Or the mental institution for that matter. And society is letting me walk around like that? No wonder crazy people in Walmart find me so approachable. They think I'm one of them. Maybe I am since I actually don't mind.
Maybe this is why my husband hardly ever takes me out to dinner. If he ever does, you'll recognize us right away. Just look for the girl who reminds you of Sandra Bullock holding the hand of the guy who looks like Dale Jr.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
They're All Idiots
I'm usually a Live & Let Live sort of person. Patience is a virtue that I try to embrace. I don't mind people going about their business as long as it doesn't interfere with me going about mine. However, it seems that I do get a little defensive when it comes to honeybees. Me & the bees are like this: (picture me twisting my "Pointer" and Middle Finger together). We're tight. Just the honeybees though, I'm really not into wasps, yellow jackets, hornets and Maybees (the fat black ones that buzz around - "Maybe" they'll sting you & "Maybe" they won't.)
But I will go to great lengths to rescue a drowning honey bee, or pick one up & just let it walk around my hand. They're beautiful if you take the time to look at them up close, instead of running & screaming, or crushing them with your flip flop.
They are very intelligent. I've pulled many out the swimming pool & let them dry themselves off on my hand, watching them. They usually preen the water off themselves, flutter their wings dry and when their ready they'll fly away & go about their business.
My obsession with the little creatures is such that my goal for the year is to get some of my own. I was on the Internet the other night browsing around for more bee suppliers, catalogs, etc. when I came across a website, written by vegans to discourage others from eating honey. They claim (it makes me po'd just remembering it) that beekeepers are nothing better than slave drivers. We hold the bees captive and force them to work. If they swarm we try to catch them & stuff them back in the hive. We truck them around, not caring at all for their well being (or "Bee-ing", ha ha, bad pun, lets move on) and not only that but was the public aware that honey is made from BEE SPIT?!! Needless to say I was FUMING by the time I got to the end of their article.
I'm surmising from their At One With Nature attitude that vegans only eat acorns and grass. Everything else needs bees to make it grow. Vegetables. What pollinates vegetables? Bees. Fruits. How does fruit grow? On a tree of course, which blossoms in the spring and is pollinated again by, class? Yes, bees.
Now let's talk about the part about honey being made by Bee Spit. This is a true fact more or less. Just like eggs come out of a chicken's butt and milk comes out of a cow's udder, and most vegetables are grown in poop. To be more scientific, here is how honey is made:
Sucrose is a 12-carbon sugar molecule and also the most predominant sugar found in nectar. A Bee collects nectar. On the way back to the hive, it adds an enzyme called invertase to the nectar. This changes the 12-carbon sugar molecule to two six-carbon sugars: glucose & fructose.
When Miss Worker Bee gets back to the hive, she hands off the nectar to Miss Receiving Bee (they are all females, it's true, look it up) who adds more invertase then finds a nice little empty honey cell she can store it in & tend it.
Evaporation occurs reducing the water percentage in the nectar from 80% to 18-19%. In addition, due to the enzymes the bees so thoughtfully added, the sugar content rises from 20% to just over 80%. And that my friend is how honey is made.
Now for the part about trying to prevent swarming & stuffing bees back in the hive. I'm am totally offended by this. This is almost as offensive as cell phones, ha ha.
Bees swarm when the hive gets too croweded. Half will fly off looking for accomodations that will fit them. The other half stays put & keeps on keeping on.
A beekeeper doesn't catch a swarm of bees and jam them back into the box they came out of. That's preposterous! But whatever. The Vegans can think whatever they like. As for what I think, I think they're all idiots.
Maybe that's what I should've named my blog. "They're All Idiots".
But I will go to great lengths to rescue a drowning honey bee, or pick one up & just let it walk around my hand. They're beautiful if you take the time to look at them up close, instead of running & screaming, or crushing them with your flip flop.
They are very intelligent. I've pulled many out the swimming pool & let them dry themselves off on my hand, watching them. They usually preen the water off themselves, flutter their wings dry and when their ready they'll fly away & go about their business.
My obsession with the little creatures is such that my goal for the year is to get some of my own. I was on the Internet the other night browsing around for more bee suppliers, catalogs, etc. when I came across a website, written by vegans to discourage others from eating honey. They claim (it makes me po'd just remembering it) that beekeepers are nothing better than slave drivers. We hold the bees captive and force them to work. If they swarm we try to catch them & stuff them back in the hive. We truck them around, not caring at all for their well being (or "Bee-ing", ha ha, bad pun, lets move on) and not only that but was the public aware that honey is made from BEE SPIT?!! Needless to say I was FUMING by the time I got to the end of their article.
I'm surmising from their At One With Nature attitude that vegans only eat acorns and grass. Everything else needs bees to make it grow. Vegetables. What pollinates vegetables? Bees. Fruits. How does fruit grow? On a tree of course, which blossoms in the spring and is pollinated again by, class? Yes, bees.
Now let's talk about the part about honey being made by Bee Spit. This is a true fact more or less. Just like eggs come out of a chicken's butt and milk comes out of a cow's udder, and most vegetables are grown in poop. To be more scientific, here is how honey is made:
Sucrose is a 12-carbon sugar molecule and also the most predominant sugar found in nectar. A Bee collects nectar. On the way back to the hive, it adds an enzyme called invertase to the nectar. This changes the 12-carbon sugar molecule to two six-carbon sugars: glucose & fructose.
When Miss Worker Bee gets back to the hive, she hands off the nectar to Miss Receiving Bee (they are all females, it's true, look it up) who adds more invertase then finds a nice little empty honey cell she can store it in & tend it.
Evaporation occurs reducing the water percentage in the nectar from 80% to 18-19%. In addition, due to the enzymes the bees so thoughtfully added, the sugar content rises from 20% to just over 80%. And that my friend is how honey is made.
Now for the part about trying to prevent swarming & stuffing bees back in the hive. I'm am totally offended by this. This is almost as offensive as cell phones, ha ha.
Bees swarm when the hive gets too croweded. Half will fly off looking for accomodations that will fit them. The other half stays put & keeps on keeping on.
A beekeeper doesn't catch a swarm of bees and jam them back into the box they came out of. That's preposterous! But whatever. The Vegans can think whatever they like. As for what I think, I think they're all idiots.
Maybe that's what I should've named my blog. "They're All Idiots".
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Super Powers
Super powers, do humans really possess them? I think yes. In fact, I've been assigning powers to people throughout the day today. It all started with an email this morning to my dear old mom. She asked how my husband was doing and I answered that he is obsessively fixing antique wind up mantel clocks, kitchen clocks, steeple clocks, and cuckoo clocks.
The man is genius. He looks inside at all those cogs & gears & knows just what needs done. Somehow he has cracked the code and seems to understand clocks like it's no big deal & everyone should be able to do it. I've decided to call him Tick Tock the Clock Man. The only thing he can't do yet is learn how to speed time up until I get home from work & then slow it back down. If he were fictional I'm sure he could do it. Or if he hates me then he could do it in reverse & speed up the time that I am home & slow down the time when I'm at work. That's how time seems to go as it is so, HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!
My sister I would call Bad Luck Woman, Deputy Sheriff of Murphy's Law. If there is a policeman in the area, he will find her and pull her over for some mundane reason a normal person would not get pestered for and this will happen to be on the one day that she can't find her wallet with her driver's license in it. If there is one sharp object on the road it will give my sister a flat tire. If she runs out of water for some strange reason, it will be while she's got shampoo in her hair. If she's in a hurry, her dog will dash off when she opens the door and make her chase it for 45 minutes. If she tries to bake a cake she'll be one ingredient short of success. If she does achieve success she will wreck her truck on the way to where the cake is going. If she's actually ready to leave on time for once she'll spill something on herself moments before leaving. If she goes on a flight, she will check her bag (which she has put her car keys, phone, etc. into)and it will get mixed up at the baggage claim and be taken home by some old guy who didn't have his glasses on & thought he had the right bag. I know. You laugh. Most of these examples are true. I assure you, my imagination is not THAT good. She makes Bella Swan look like a walk in the park.
I think my super power would be the ability to eat absolutely horrendous food & not get sick. I scoff at expiration dates. They are merely a guideline, not a rule. A little green fuzz never hurt anyone. Last year I wanted to make myself some dip & needed some sour cream. Too lazy to run to the store I hunted up some in the way far back part of the fridge. The part that makes Harlem look bright & friendly in comparison. I opened it up. The expiration said Feb 08. It was Sept 08. Since I was the only one eating it I thought, Oh what the heck. Afterall I hadn't had a sick day in over 3 years, I figured I was due. I ate it all. Nothing. That is just one example. I also revel in stinky food, spicy food, seafood, landfood. I'd be a fantastic hobo or homeless person. Maybe I'll call myself Super Immune Girl. Able to eat E Coli and say "YUM!" Salmonella runs when it sees me coming. It knows I'll just digest it & move on. No reason to linger here! The bacteria living in my stomach would make the Italian Maffia look like a basket of kittens.
My other super power is book reading. Nerdy yes. I can finish off a book in less than a day now. Twighlight, New Moon, they didn't stand a chance. Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, that was a marathon. Didn't go to bed till 2:30am that night. I was well prepared to call in sick or late the next day.
If you have a super power, post a comment, let me know!
The man is genius. He looks inside at all those cogs & gears & knows just what needs done. Somehow he has cracked the code and seems to understand clocks like it's no big deal & everyone should be able to do it. I've decided to call him Tick Tock the Clock Man. The only thing he can't do yet is learn how to speed time up until I get home from work & then slow it back down. If he were fictional I'm sure he could do it. Or if he hates me then he could do it in reverse & speed up the time that I am home & slow down the time when I'm at work. That's how time seems to go as it is so, HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!
My sister I would call Bad Luck Woman, Deputy Sheriff of Murphy's Law. If there is a policeman in the area, he will find her and pull her over for some mundane reason a normal person would not get pestered for and this will happen to be on the one day that she can't find her wallet with her driver's license in it. If there is one sharp object on the road it will give my sister a flat tire. If she runs out of water for some strange reason, it will be while she's got shampoo in her hair. If she's in a hurry, her dog will dash off when she opens the door and make her chase it for 45 minutes. If she tries to bake a cake she'll be one ingredient short of success. If she does achieve success she will wreck her truck on the way to where the cake is going. If she's actually ready to leave on time for once she'll spill something on herself moments before leaving. If she goes on a flight, she will check her bag (which she has put her car keys, phone, etc. into)and it will get mixed up at the baggage claim and be taken home by some old guy who didn't have his glasses on & thought he had the right bag. I know. You laugh. Most of these examples are true. I assure you, my imagination is not THAT good. She makes Bella Swan look like a walk in the park.
I think my super power would be the ability to eat absolutely horrendous food & not get sick. I scoff at expiration dates. They are merely a guideline, not a rule. A little green fuzz never hurt anyone. Last year I wanted to make myself some dip & needed some sour cream. Too lazy to run to the store I hunted up some in the way far back part of the fridge. The part that makes Harlem look bright & friendly in comparison. I opened it up. The expiration said Feb 08. It was Sept 08. Since I was the only one eating it I thought, Oh what the heck. Afterall I hadn't had a sick day in over 3 years, I figured I was due. I ate it all. Nothing. That is just one example. I also revel in stinky food, spicy food, seafood, landfood. I'd be a fantastic hobo or homeless person. Maybe I'll call myself Super Immune Girl. Able to eat E Coli and say "YUM!" Salmonella runs when it sees me coming. It knows I'll just digest it & move on. No reason to linger here! The bacteria living in my stomach would make the Italian Maffia look like a basket of kittens.
My other super power is book reading. Nerdy yes. I can finish off a book in less than a day now. Twighlight, New Moon, they didn't stand a chance. Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, that was a marathon. Didn't go to bed till 2:30am that night. I was well prepared to call in sick or late the next day.
If you have a super power, post a comment, let me know!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Stupid Cell Phones
Even though this is going to tick off 99% of the world's population, I'm throwing this out there anyhow. Afterall, no one is reading this blog anyways. If they did I would see a comment now and then. So here goes and let the chips fall where they may.
You cell phone people are driving me crazy. Yes. You heard me. You're rude and I'm sick of it. Everywhere I go people are yakking away on their little plastic phones. LOUDLY too. What is it that would make someone want a cell phone to begin with? I'm curious.
When I confront someone about their cell phone (yes, I'm brash enough to do that) they give me the excuse "Well, I like to have it with me for emergencies."
Really?
When was the last time you were standing in line at the store & heard this phone conversation behind you:
"Hello? Oh my word!! Are you Ok?!! You're WHERE?!! Pinned underneath the burning wreckage of your car????!!! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!!!"
Another example:
"Hi Sweetie. WHAT?! THE ROOF CAVED IN?!! I WILL BE RIGHT HOME!!!"
Those are just two of many examples of what could be classified as an emergency.
Here is what we usually hear:
"Yeah, the judge said he had to pay $500.00/month in child support. You know the bastard will never pay a cent."
Or:
"Totally. Yeah. Uh-huh...... I got the red one too....... Do you think red makes me look fat?.......Thanks............ Yeah, I got the strapless kind. Ha ha....... He wishes..."
Seriously folks, when was the last time you used your cell phone for an emergency? A REAL emergency? I classify an emergency of a matter of Life, Death, or Perishable Goods. Perhaps my family has set the bar so high that I no longer think of anything as an emergency.
"What? My sister dated a 40 something man with a trach, traveled around America with a car full of illegal Mexicans & then decided to settle down & date a midget? My dad's been deployed to Iraq? My dad's been blown up? My mom's got breast cancer?"
You see where I'm going with this. So don't give me your stupid excuse about needing cell phones for emergencies. I've not needed one for any of the above emergencies and somehow managed to live to tell the story.
Why does America feel the need to be available to everyone day and night? What is wrong with you people? Don't you want to be left alone? Maybe if they were related to my family, they'd feel different.
When I leave the house I don't want bothered. If the car breaks down, I'll start walking. No wonder everyone is so obese. When their car breaks down they just sit comfortably & call a tow truck instead of walking to the nearest house & borrowing a phone.
When I leave the house I give the cat strict orders: "If anyone calls & leaves a message, erase it for me before I get home."
A few years ago my dad threatened to give me his old cell phone. I told him if he did I'd throw it in the Raystown Lake. So there.
In summary I'd just like to reiterate that I think people are idiots. If everyone would just think for themselves instead of relying on dialing their network of other idiots, we might be a little further ahead than we are now. It's a good thing I'm not president. But I digress.
You cell phone people are driving me crazy. Yes. You heard me. You're rude and I'm sick of it. Everywhere I go people are yakking away on their little plastic phones. LOUDLY too. What is it that would make someone want a cell phone to begin with? I'm curious.
When I confront someone about their cell phone (yes, I'm brash enough to do that) they give me the excuse "Well, I like to have it with me for emergencies."
Really?
When was the last time you were standing in line at the store & heard this phone conversation behind you:
"Hello? Oh my word!! Are you Ok?!! You're WHERE?!! Pinned underneath the burning wreckage of your car????!!! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!!!"
Another example:
"Hi Sweetie. WHAT?! THE ROOF CAVED IN?!! I WILL BE RIGHT HOME!!!"
Those are just two of many examples of what could be classified as an emergency.
Here is what we usually hear:
"Yeah, the judge said he had to pay $500.00/month in child support. You know the bastard will never pay a cent."
Or:
"Totally. Yeah. Uh-huh...... I got the red one too....... Do you think red makes me look fat?.......Thanks............ Yeah, I got the strapless kind. Ha ha....... He wishes..."
Seriously folks, when was the last time you used your cell phone for an emergency? A REAL emergency? I classify an emergency of a matter of Life, Death, or Perishable Goods. Perhaps my family has set the bar so high that I no longer think of anything as an emergency.
"What? My sister dated a 40 something man with a trach, traveled around America with a car full of illegal Mexicans & then decided to settle down & date a midget? My dad's been deployed to Iraq? My dad's been blown up? My mom's got breast cancer?"
You see where I'm going with this. So don't give me your stupid excuse about needing cell phones for emergencies. I've not needed one for any of the above emergencies and somehow managed to live to tell the story.
Why does America feel the need to be available to everyone day and night? What is wrong with you people? Don't you want to be left alone? Maybe if they were related to my family, they'd feel different.
When I leave the house I don't want bothered. If the car breaks down, I'll start walking. No wonder everyone is so obese. When their car breaks down they just sit comfortably & call a tow truck instead of walking to the nearest house & borrowing a phone.
When I leave the house I give the cat strict orders: "If anyone calls & leaves a message, erase it for me before I get home."
A few years ago my dad threatened to give me his old cell phone. I told him if he did I'd throw it in the Raystown Lake. So there.
In summary I'd just like to reiterate that I think people are idiots. If everyone would just think for themselves instead of relying on dialing their network of other idiots, we might be a little further ahead than we are now. It's a good thing I'm not president. But I digress.
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