H1N1, My Rant of the Day

Call me sinister but this world was in need of a new plague. It's getting a little crowded around here, don't ya think? All of the great sicknesses & illnesses through the ages are Mother Nature's way of cleaning out her system. Too many humans screwing around, messing the place up, lets have a pandemic. Almost like Earth is trying to puke her guts out the morning after a bad drinking binge.

Now I know, I'm a human too, I should be shaking in my shoes & hanging Lysol soaked sheets in the doorways. But I don't care. I really don't. It's not that I want to get sick or die. I just don't care. If I become a statistic in the H1N1 scare, then so be it. My soul is prepared. Bring it on.

Will I get a flu shot? No. Do I believe in flu shots? Maybe. Are they loaded with crap that shouldn't be in my body to begin with? Probably. But I'm not really concerned with that. After all, I eat raw, overcooked, undercooked & expired foods, use silverware that fell on the floor, and lick the cookie dough leftovers containing raw eggs out of the bowl. And I don't have worms yet. In fact I think there are enough germs and bacteria camping out in my lower intestines that if I did get H1N1, it would run away screaming once it reached my stomach.

And while I'm on the subject, when did peanuts become public enemy #1? Why is every kid on the planet suddenly allergic to my favorite comfort food of all time? Peanut butter is my life. I eat it like it's my job. What kind of wussy kids are we raising these days that can't handle food that was processed within a 200 ft radius of a peanut? GOSH!!! No wonder the flu bug is such a problem for this nation. If you can't handle a peanut, how are you planning on coping with the flu? Huh? Tell me.

Perhaps, and just humor me here, that is the whole reason for H1N1. Maybe Nature is a huge fan of peanuts and their byproducts and felt the need to devise a way to weed out the weaklings that can't handle them. Thus creating our flu bug du jour. Clever. Very Clever. Don't mess with nature.

I Ripple In the Water

Time now for more humorous poetry from my favorite local poet.


I Ripple In the Water
by Kelly C. Baker

My fat, it was floating
And I liked it not
As I lay in the bathtub
The water 'round hot

Where did this come from?
How could this be?
Where did my body go?
This is not me.

The running, the sit ups,
They all make me ouch
I'd rather be home
Watching "Charmed" on the couch

My cards have been dealt out
But my deck was stacked
It'd help if my husband
Quit buying me snacks

"I like a thick woman!"
He says with a smile
And frowns when I lace up
To go run a mile

I don't like it, I hate it
I want it to go
And if I had money
I'd just get lipo

Until then I'll workout
So my thighs don't rub
And float like fat islands
When I'm in the tub