Tips for the Poverty Stricken

Hey Kids! Do your bills exceed your earnings? Have you already sold the family heirlooms and a kidney to make ends meet? Are you cold and hungry? Are you considering turning to a life of crime? If you answered yes then Congratulations! You're poverty stricken!

Here are some helpful tips for those who are new at this:

1. the Dollar Store or Dollar General
Forget Walmart. That's for lower middle class, or upper lower class. You, my friend, are now lower lower class. You will not be shopping at fancy places that can hire greeters or have motorized carts. Find a local Dollar Store. Embrace it. It is the key to survival.

2. Ramen Noodles.
For a mere $1.00 you can buy a six pack of Ramen Noodles. (That is SIX MEALS for a DOLLAR!)They come in a variety of flavors, being: Chicken, Beef, or Shrimp. Chicken for lunch, Beef for dinner, and Shrimp for those special occasions that call for seafood, such as an anniversary or Fridays during the Lenten Season.

3. Coffee!
When paired with the Ramen Noodles, you have a substitute for heat! The coffee and Ramen Noodle combo will warm you up and get you hyper about your unsatisfactory station in life. With the extra burst of energy, you may even find yourself a new job! But probably not. I haven't yet. At least not one that doesn't pay in magical beans or coupons. But that's no reason for YOU to lose hope!! However, in the event that a miracle doesn't occur, the sodium in the soup as well as the carbs from the noodles will get your blood flowing and circulating and help keep you warm. The coffee mug (provided you still have one) can be filled with coffee, which when clasped between your freezing paws also acts as a handwarmer. When the mug is empty, you can use it to panhandle for change.
Don't underestimate the power of coffee.

4. Handy Excuses!
You will need these to ward off your friends when they innocently ask you to go out to lunch with them. They don't know you're poor- it's one of those crazy things you just don't sing about from the rooftops. So unless you don't mind saying "Sorry, I'm a total failure with no prospects, no heat, and no money" then I suggest you start your list of excuses. I'll even help get you started:

"I can't, I've got an appointment to donate at the Red Cross" They don't need to know you're actually going because you get paid to donate and you really need a dollar for a new sixer of Ramen noodles. They'll think you're a swell upstanding citizen, doing your part to better humanity.

"Sorry, I have an appointment to hang out with my Gramma that day.." Maybe you have a gram, maybe you don't. Maybe that gram has a house that has heat, or maybe she has something to eat that's not a Ramen noodle, it doesn't matter, what matters is that it SOUNDS GOOD.

"I have a job interview that day." Wishful thinking, huh? But a valid excuse.

I would like to add more to this post but the electric company is shutting off my power in a few moments*. Stay tuned for my next post "How to Sneak in Someone's House to Blog" followed by "Delightful Recipes involving Ramen Noodles You Can Cook Over a Campfire in Your Living Room."

*No Gram, you don't need to worry, they're not really turning off my power. But I AM coming to your house tomorrow...

How Jesus & Shanda Fixed My Email

Ok, so for the past few weeks, I have not been able to email ANYONE who has Atlantic Broadband. After much procrastination and feeble hopes that the problem would fix itself (it did not) I decided to get off my butt & call Century Link. Well, actually I thought I'd take the easy way out & email Century Link (a.k.a. Embarqmail.)

So upon much fussing and clicking I finally reached an individual via instant chat. This is what popped up on my screen:

"You are now chatting with Jesus."

Part of me wanted to giggle at the irony that Jesus would be accessible through live chat and also that he happened to work for Century Link. I began giggling like a school girl with a crush at the thought that I may actually be talking to Jesus- THE JESUS. (And don't burst my happy bubble by saying "Oh he probably pronounces it Hay-seus." I know that. And yet I prefer to reject that thought.)

How nice, I thought as the chat proceeded.

Apparently Jesus wondered why I had not typed anything yet so he took the initiative.

"Hi Kelly, this is Jesus. How may I help you?" (See?? No Mexican accent there.)


When that popped up on my screen I giggled some more. Part of me still fantasizing that I was actually talking to Jesus. The other part of me was trying to regain control of my fingers so I could type something back that actually made sense. And yet the war waged inside me - If I am anything but professional about this will my keyboard burst into flames? Is it ok if I ask him to grant me three wishes? Does he get sick of people bugging him to do things? Is it creepy if I ask him if he wants to hang out sometime? Apparently not or he wouldn't be working for Century Link in customer service/tech support. What I did manage to type was this:

"Hi Jesus, this is Kelly." (as if Jesus- both of them- didn't already know that.)

Immediately I thought Oh no, now Jesus thinks I'm a doofus. Quick type something smart!

So I began to ramble about my email problem.

Jesus was very patient. He always is. (more snickers to myself when that thought popped into my head.)

Jesus gave me the number to call for tech support. I thanked him. I actually got to type:

"Thank you Jesus"

It was one of those weird giddy moments for me. Like when Mike Wagner left me try on his Super Bowl ring. I felt like I should call someone and tell them. But instead I called the tech support number Jesus gave me.

I got Shanda.

Shanda was awesome.


She helped me reconfigure my outlook etc. etc. and called me back twice after I sent test emails to Gram (who I didn't get the chance to tell on the phone that I had just chatted with Jesus cause I knew Shanda was going to call back in just a minute or two.)

When it was all said & done, Ta-Dah! I can now email my Atlanticbb.net friends once again! Thank you Jesus! And Thank You Shanda - you little computer genius you!

Then because I had to tell SOMEONE about Jesus, I typed this up.

And now you know about Jesus too.

So if anyone ever says "Did Kelly ever tell you about Jesus?" You can say "Yes she did. He works at Century Link."