Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Tips for the Poverty Stricken

Hey Kids! Do your bills exceed your earnings? Have you already sold the family heirlooms and a kidney to make ends meet? Are you cold and hungry? Are you considering turning to a life of crime? If you answered yes then Congratulations! You're poverty stricken!

Here are some helpful tips for those who are new at this:

1. the Dollar Store or Dollar General
Forget Walmart. That's for lower middle class, or upper lower class. You, my friend, are now lower lower class. You will not be shopping at fancy places that can hire greeters or have motorized carts. Find a local Dollar Store. Embrace it. It is the key to survival.

2. Ramen Noodles.
For a mere $1.00 you can buy a six pack of Ramen Noodles. (That is SIX MEALS for a DOLLAR!)They come in a variety of flavors, being: Chicken, Beef, or Shrimp. Chicken for lunch, Beef for dinner, and Shrimp for those special occasions that call for seafood, such as an anniversary or Fridays during the Lenten Season.

3. Coffee!
When paired with the Ramen Noodles, you have a substitute for heat! The coffee and Ramen Noodle combo will warm you up and get you hyper about your unsatisfactory station in life. With the extra burst of energy, you may even find yourself a new job! But probably not. I haven't yet. At least not one that doesn't pay in magical beans or coupons. But that's no reason for YOU to lose hope!! However, in the event that a miracle doesn't occur, the sodium in the soup as well as the carbs from the noodles will get your blood flowing and circulating and help keep you warm. The coffee mug (provided you still have one) can be filled with coffee, which when clasped between your freezing paws also acts as a handwarmer. When the mug is empty, you can use it to panhandle for change.
Don't underestimate the power of coffee.

4. Handy Excuses!
You will need these to ward off your friends when they innocently ask you to go out to lunch with them. They don't know you're poor- it's one of those crazy things you just don't sing about from the rooftops. So unless you don't mind saying "Sorry, I'm a total failure with no prospects, no heat, and no money" then I suggest you start your list of excuses. I'll even help get you started:

"I can't, I've got an appointment to donate at the Red Cross" They don't need to know you're actually going because you get paid to donate and you really need a dollar for a new sixer of Ramen noodles. They'll think you're a swell upstanding citizen, doing your part to better humanity.

"Sorry, I have an appointment to hang out with my Gramma that day.." Maybe you have a gram, maybe you don't. Maybe that gram has a house that has heat, or maybe she has something to eat that's not a Ramen noodle, it doesn't matter, what matters is that it SOUNDS GOOD.

"I have a job interview that day." Wishful thinking, huh? But a valid excuse.

I would like to add more to this post but the electric company is shutting off my power in a few moments*. Stay tuned for my next post "How to Sneak in Someone's House to Blog" followed by "Delightful Recipes involving Ramen Noodles You Can Cook Over a Campfire in Your Living Room."

*No Gram, you don't need to worry, they're not really turning off my power. But I AM coming to your house tomorrow...


Anonymous said...

OMG!! You are so funny!! ~Janna

Anonymous said...

I really wish you'd write a book !! You are just sooo funny and talented !..cindy obrien

Anonymous said...

you clearly have a marketable skill, I've seen other people write funny books like this and ended up on GMA!

Carrie said...

When paired with the Ramen Noodles, you have a substitute for heat! The coffee and Ramen Noodle combo will warm you up and get you hyper about your unsatisfactory station in life."

OMGoodness, this just made my day! Love your sense of humor! I'm a follower now. :)~ Carrie

dkgriffith said...

Love it !!!!!!