A Voting Story

    Today was election day here in bonny ol' PA. As per ususal (I like to say "per usual" - it lends an air of fake sophistication) I did my civic duty. And once I was done with that and flushed the toilet, I went out to vote because we take voting very seriously in my family.


    The worst part about voting is the mad dash from your car to the polling place door. We call it "Running the Gauntlet." Would-be Candidates normally swarm upon you with pleas to vote for them and handouts with their names on it, while you try to smile and politely escape as quickly as manners will allow. Sometimes the handouts are even useful things like pens, pencils, and emery boards which makes me feel like a trick-or-treater. I've even considered wearing a   t-shirt when I vote that says "Can Be Bought With Snickers." But if you can break past them into the goalie box (they can't go within so many feet of the door and where I vote at, there is actually a rectangle drawn on the ground that reminds me of a goalie box) you are home free. I don't know what the repercussions are for Would-be Candidates who chase you into the goalie box. I've heard if they cross the chalk line they immediately disintegrate and their name automatically disappears from all the ballots inside the building.

    Today the Gauntlet was not bad at all, there was only one Would-be and he turned out to be someone I knew so we chatted briefly.

    Inside my polling place you may either choose to use the computer (boo!! hiss!!) or a paper ballot (yay!! paper!!) We're a little backwoods that way. They've been trying to encourage us to use the computerized voting machine for years now but since that little fiasco down in Florida during the Bush/Gore Cage Fight no one around here wants anything to do with the computer. Oh sure, a small handful will use it, but a large majority - me included, prefer the paper ballots.

    There is a sense of satisfaction when I color in that little rectangle beside the name. I try to figure out who I want before I go in, however, this tactic always seems to backfire. I get my ballot, step inside the shower curtain (which reminds me of the Wizard of Oz and I always think someone should be yelling "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!" but no one ever does) and there before me on the paper are people I need to vote for who I never heard of. I need to vote for ONE and my choices are two people from the opposite side of the state. I don't like that side of the state. Nothing good comes from that side of the state. In fact, I think that side of the state should just join up with New Jersey and leave this half of the state alone, but I digress.


    So I'm left to flounder. Apparently this election did not turn out to be much of a turd flinger or I would have heard of these people. Or perhaps my lack of local news on tv and my lapsed subscription to the newspaper has something to do with it. At any rate I guess my way through the ones I don't know and color in the dots to the people who I want. There were a bunch of write-ins this time with no one running. I didn't know what to do with them.

    After the dot coloring, it's time to submit your ballot. We have a fancy machine that's been there for quite a few years now. You feed your ballot into it. It looks and sounds suspiciously like a paper shredder. I raise an eyebrow every time I use it. Today I even asked if it were indeed a paper shredder. Everyone working the election table looked away guiltily and denied it.


    Meanwhile the computerized voting machine was over there shooting votes into cyber space. All three of them.


    When I got home the phone rang. It was Dad. He called to tell me that if I got elected to anything it was his fault. He didn't know what to do with all those blank write-ins either so he voted for me for: Auditor, Commissioner, District Attorney and School Board Director. He wrote in his own name for Judge. Like I said, we take voting very seriously in our family.

    Nothing to do now but wait for the votes to be counted. Then perhaps Dad and I can begin our reign of terror. Buwahahahaha!!!

CUBICLE TRAGEDY - DEATH IN THE WORKPLACE

I happened upon my writing portfolio today. The "portfolio" is actually an overstuffed manilla folder filled with the billions of things I wrote to distract myself and others during my ten year career as a cubicle dweller. My days there were spent either absolutely stressed to tears or so bored out of my skull that I was forced to amuse myself and drink coffee to stay awake.


Walk with me, dear audience, down memory lane.


On the day the following gem was written we were apparently having a birthday party for someone. Also, names have not been changed to protect the innocent. Who knows, maybe it will launch them into internet stardom.

CUBICLE TRAGEDY -  DEATH IN THE WORKPLACE

Girl dies suddenly at her desk of boredom. Kelly C. Baker, 30, of New Enterprise was found unresponsive at her desk Friday, June 29, 2007.  Autopsy reveals that she had eaten too much buffalo chicken dip and party food, causing her stomach to explode.

Police statements from co-workers say that they witnessed her snorking down tortilla chips loaded with the death dip at three minute intervals throughout the day.

"She was always so busy, but apparently she was getting bored or stressed with the work so she turned to food." said Patty W. who had baked a cake the victim was seen eating.

"The last thing she said to me was 'This is damn good cake.' That was this morning. She had chocolate all over her face," witness Chelsea A. states.

"She was so young and vibrant," Mandy S. adds "I wish I hadn't made so much buffalo chicken dip."

The county coroner reports that when her body was found, she was smiling.