Saturday, May 14, 2011


I happened upon my writing portfolio today. The "portfolio" is actually an overstuffed manilla folder filled with the billions of things I wrote to distract myself and others during my ten year career as a cubicle dweller. My days there were spent either absolutely stressed to tears or so bored out of my skull that I was forced to amuse myself and drink coffee to stay awake.

Walk with me, dear audience, down memory lane.

On the day the following gem was written we were apparently having a birthday party for someone. Also, names have not been changed to protect the innocent. Who knows, maybe it will launch them into internet stardom.


Girl dies suddenly at her desk of boredom. Kelly C. Baker, 30, of New Enterprise was found unresponsive at her desk Friday, June 29, 2007.  Autopsy reveals that she had eaten too much buffalo chicken dip and party food, causing her stomach to explode.

Police statements from co-workers say that they witnessed her snorking down tortilla chips loaded with the death dip at three minute intervals throughout the day.

"She was always so busy, but apparently she was getting bored or stressed with the work so she turned to food." said Patty W. who had baked a cake the victim was seen eating.

"The last thing she said to me was 'This is damn good cake.' That was this morning. She had chocolate all over her face," witness Chelsea A. states.

"She was so young and vibrant," Mandy S. adds "I wish I hadn't made so much buffalo chicken dip."

The county coroner reports that when her body was found, she was smiling.

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