Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Everything I Touch Turns To Crazy

This is my public disclaimer and warning to stay away from me. I will slowly drive you insane. It will not be my fault, it will not be your fault. It will just happen. It will come upon you so gradually you will not even realize it until it's too late.
My family always was nuts. My husband, however, comes from a very normal un-divorced family. Everyone gets along. Everyone likes each other. Until recently. Things have begun to unravel with the cousins, aunts & uncles. Small potatoes compared to my family, but very shameful for them. They are not used to this sort of upheaval.
I'm thinking of teaching a seminar for people like this. I will call it "Family Scandal 101." In these classes you will learn that crap happens in every family. You will learn how to deal with: Divorce, Seeing your loved one's name in the Police Report, Nasty Old Blue Hair'd Gossips, War Deployment, Cancer, Death, Car Wrecks, Affairs, Internet Porn (ha ha, threw that in there just for fun), Gay Relatives, Unmarried Pregnancy, Teenage Pregnancy, Drug Use, Drug Need (for the people who aren't on drugs but should be), Depression & Anxiety, Horrible Financial Decisions, War Injury, How to Be a POA, What To Do When Your 25 Year Old Sister is Dating A 40 Year Old Man With a Tracheotomy, and How to Survive A Nuclear Family Vacation.
I come highly qualified in each of these areas. Some people wonder why I'm happy all the time. Lord, if I sat around thinking about my crappy life all I'd do is Cry!
I've come to believe that the common denominator in all of these things is Me. How can it be that I have walked through the fire unscathed? How did I turn out to be the normal one amidst all this crisis and drama? Why is everyone else affected but me? I think it IS me. I do nothing and yet the craziness surrounds me. Wherever I walk, wherever I go, abnormal things will happen. Everything I touch turns to Crazy. So Buyer Beware. And now that I have the internet the ripple effect of the chaos gravitating around me will be endless. Not to worry though, it's not the end of the world. It's just a moment and this too shall pass.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Gretta---Where have you been for a week? Babysitting for your crazy relatives??? Hahaha. Me too.