Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Secret Lives of Dogs and Cats

Today before I left for work (at a new job which this is only the second day of) I gave Briggs, my Old English Sheepdog puppy very specific instructions. 1. Don't Chase Cars. 2. Don't Chase People. 3. Stay OFF the road. Then I left for work.

He likes to follow people home and they are all too nice to him. If one would scream at him in a very Alpha Female/Male voice, he would get the picture and go lay down. But no one ever wants to shriek at my dog because he looks like a walking mop so instead,  he follows them home. Their only choice is to put him in our basement to await our return. Usually I remember to lock the basement door that leads to the kitchen, not to keep people out, but to keep Briggs from pushing it open and entering the house. Usually. But today I forgot.

When I returned around 1:30 he was nowhere to be found. I opened up the door and walked into the house. And surmising from what I found inside, this is how I imagine his day went.

6:15am - Kiss Mom goodbye & send her to work.
6:20am - Chew deer skull on the porch
6:22am- Drag rug out into the dewy grass. Pee on it.
6:25am - Finish eating breakfast. Lay on the porch.
6:30-7:55am- Take nap.
7:55-8:00am- Drag peed on rug back onto porch in a rumpled up heap.
8:15am- Spy neighbor walking up the road. Romp after her.
8:20am - Follow neighbor back to the porch. Foil her attempt to keep me on the porch.
8:30am - Get put in basement by neighbor.
8:30-8:40am- Sniff the basement. Maybe pee on the rug for good measure. Find one of Dad's hats and put it on the floor.
8:40-9:00am - Lay on the recliner. Get bored.
9:01am - Check the door to the kitchen. Find it unlocked.
9:02-9:10am- Re-arrange all the kitchen rugs. During re-arrangement, knock over full watering can with water in it. Bark at it as it runs across the floor to the center of the kitchen.
9:10-9:30am- Find the pile of newspapers in the kitchen that were stacked and awaiting recycling. Take some into the living room. Take some into the dining room. Scatter some across the water puddle on the floor.
9:30-10:00am- Lay on the living room floor and read the papers. Find an old quilt on the couch. Chew the binding off of it. Take a nap.
10:00-10:30am - Take every sneaker and flip flop that Mom has and put them in different rooms. Hide one under a rug. She'll never see it there. Make it look like a shoe factory exploded.
10:30-10:45am - Tug the afghan off of the rocking chair. Knock the mug off the end table. Pee on the living room floor.
10:45-11:00am.- Bark at the cat. Chase her upstairs.
11:00-12:00 noon - Explore the spare room that was discovered while chasing the cat. Find the Christmas decorations that were in the Goodwill bag. Take them into the hall and chew them. Go back in the spare room. Grab a swim suit and hide it under a pile of winter clothes. hee hee.
12:00-12:15pm- Go in Mom & Dad's room. Poop in front of the mirror. Admire my form. Find their slippers and fling them about.
12:15-12:30pm - Discover THE BATHROOM! Drink out of the toilet - oh delight! Dunk my face in the toilet as far as it will go. Blow bubbles. Track water from my long dripping mouth hair across the entire bathroom. Drink some more, make the puddle bigger.
12:32pm - Go pee in Mom & Dad's room beside the poop pile.
12:35pm - Chase the cat under the bed. Get slapped and hissed at.
12:45pm-  Find a pile of books and knock it over.
12:55-1:30pm- Take a nap in the upstairs hallway. Wake up to the sound of Mom calling for me. Run downstairs past the cat who was sitting on the steps looking disgusted about the whole mess. Get hissed at as I run past. Give Mom toilet water kisses. Get thrown back outside. Hear Mom scream something about installing an underground electric dog fence.

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