Last week it was my turn to be worship leader at church. There are several people who kindly volunteer to do this each week on a rotating schedule and they were running low on kindly volunteers so they asked me if I would be willing. The purpose of the worship leader is to sort of hang out up front and introduce the next thing that's going to happen in church. Kind of like an emcee of sorts. Only instead of being up there the whole entire time, your just there until it gets to the part where the preacher preaches the message, then you hand the whole deal over to him and go sit down with the rest of the flock.
So I said OK! I may have even said it in capital letters with an exclamation point because I was very excited at the prospect of having a captive audience who would be morally obligated to sit there and listen to me ramble for fear that if they tried to get away the mighty hand of God might come crashing down and shoo them back into their seats.
Now may be a good place to interject that although I am TOTALLY into the whole public speaking thing and have no qualms about standing up there in front of everyone (my leader at Dale Carnegie informed me that I have no comfort zone)- I have the speach abilities of a stroke victim. I get so excited that PEOPLE, REAL PEOPLE are going to have to sit there and listen to ME that the thesaurus in my head goes into overload. My vocabulary is way too large and every word I want to say evades me, but I know that there IS a certain word that I'm looking for and my brain races around ("Lycos, go FETCH!") while my poor, poor mouth tries to keep up.
But this past week I thought maybe I could outsmart myself. As a worship leader you have three basic prayers: the Invocation (opening prayer), the Offeratory Prayer (where you pray over the offering) and sometimes the Benediction (the closing prayer.) Now, at our church, the worship leader is free to pray these in any way they choose, so long as it's appropriate. So I, being sneaky, and knowing I need to outsmart my stupidness, wrote out a short Invocation, Offeratory, and Benediction.
I knew that I would be able to cheat and read the Invocation and Benediction prayers, but the one that sort of worried me was the Offeratory prayer. Cause for THAT one, you're standing there in front of the ushers, not behind the podium, and there's no place to hide a little piece of paper with a prayer on it. So I spent the morning repeating and rehearsing my offeratory prayer.
It was exactly like the beginning of the Godfather where the big dude, Luca Brasi, is sitting outside the Corleone house during the wedding reception and he's there muttering to himself the same sentence over and over: "Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your house on this day of your daughter's wedding..." He practices for ever and ever and finally goes in to see the Don and.... screws it up. ("Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your daughter's wedding on the day of.... your daughter's wedding....") But the Don is very understanding and doesn't mind.
That's pretty much how my experience went. I muttered my little two sentence prayer over and over and over all morning long. Then I got up there and.... had no idea what I was going to say. I just went blank. Nothing in my head but the sound of crickets chirping. So I just made it up, stammering as I went. God seemed pretty ok with it and the congregation didn't really mind either. Or at least they were polite enough not to stare at me when church was over.
Monday, March 14, 2011
And Yet Another Tribute to Ramen Noodles
My friend Carrie sent me this link. If you are on a Ramen Noodle diet it may throw some variety into your otherwise bland and dreary life. Hopefully the link will work and I won't be fined for some copyright infringement.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mattfischer.com%2Framen%2F%3Fcategory_name%3Drecipe&h=be4e1
Enjoy.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mattfischer.com%2Framen%2F%3Fcategory_name%3Drecipe&h=be4e1
Enjoy.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
More Tips for the Poverty Stricken
As I write this, it is 5:48am and I've already had a pot of coffee and cleaned cat puke off the rug. Ce la vie. It's going to be a good day.
Anyhow, the first round of Tips for the Poverty Stricken were so wildly popular with the masses that I felt the need to elaborate further. Here goes:
Tip #1: The Self Hair Cut. You will find at some point, that your hair has grown unmanageable. You will want to have someone cut it for you. Someone who can actually SEE the back of your head. But alas, everyone you know who cuts hair professionally charges....money. And you have none. You can: ration out your Ramen noodles from the Dollar Store to save $12 for a hair cut. You can flip the couch over & shake out all the cushions and roll any change that may spew forth. Or you can cut your hair yourself.
If you follow this blog, you may have noticed a few posts back that I had a little mishap with my own hair recently.See: http://welcometomypsychosis.blogspot.com/2011/03/dealing-with-bad-hand.html (I don't know if clicking on that will really take you there because I'm no internet genius but what the hey, try it out & let me know how it goes, if it doesn't work, just scroll down, like, two posts.) Hair disasters are to be expected when you're penniless. It's like shopping at the Dollar General (they should pay me royalties or something for all the business I'm throwing their way, HINT, HINT!) you don't have to like it but you need to accept it. Plus, think how your hair looks now. Could anything you do really make it worse?
So be brave and fearless, grab those scissors and hack away. We can all look horrible together.
Tip #2: Avoiding the Gas Pump. I've recently noticed the sky rocketing gas prices. This does not help the plight of the Poverty Stricken one bit. One of my favorite hobbies is coasting around with the car on "E", mostly out of necessity, and maybe a little bit because, like Kramer on Seinfeld, I just want to see how far I can really go before the car rolls to a complete stop. Eventually though, you will be forced to mug a nice old lady for $5 so you can put a half gallon in the tank. Make the most of your 12 miles of freedom. Try not to run around all willy-nilly. Plan your trips wisely. (That's actual advice, not the casual sarcasm I usually throw at you.)
Also (back to casual sarcasm) keep a pair of sneakers in your car, if not on your feet. When your car runs out of gas, you'll want to be able to walk to the nearest place to beg use of their phone so a person with more gas than you can come to your rescue.
Why not use your cell phone to call for help? BECAUSE YOU'RE POOR. YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. If you still have a cell phone, you are not poverty stricken, you're just "strapped for cash." Plus, if you live around here, you probably don't get a signal anyways so you might as well just throw your phone in the Raystown Lake. (I don't know why, but that's always where I seem to suggest throwing them, see older posts from 2009 on that subject. Someday they'll drain the dam & find like 10,000 cell phones at the bottom & I'll get hauled in for littering, or at least blamed for it, even though I don't even have a cell phone. But I digress.)
So what were we talking about? Oh yes, make sure you have comfy shoes to walk for help in.
Tip #3 It's Ok to Eat Dead Stuff. Ok, this might offend some. Especially if you are vegan or vegetarian or Californian. If, theoretically, you happen to say, get hit by a deer (not the other way around because after all, your car never left the road- THEY lept out at YOU) while driving down the road minding your own business, and if, theoretically, that hit is fatal to the deer (stay with me on this) why not.... eat it? I'm just sayin'. It's perfectly good meat, you know it's fresh and your car already made hamburger out of most of it. It's not like the deer's family is going to come by and demand you return the body so they can properly lay it to rest at the side of the road for the buzzards to snack on. And, let me remind you, you're Poverty Stricken (I like to capitalize those words to make us Poverty Stricken feel important) you don't get to pick & choose any more. You're a bottom feeder now and you're probably getty pret-ty sick of those Ramen noodles.
So if you run over something substantial, go on, eat it. But first butcher it and cook it. I don't want you to get worms then get all fussy at me for not telling you to cook it first. Sheesh, do I have to do all the work around here? ***NOTE**** Dear PETA, do not send me any letters telling me I'm awful for eating God's animals. That's why he gave them to me in the first place. Plus the deer was dead anyhow. Why waste it?
Ok. Well that's it for today, my caffeine induced haze is wearing off. See you next time, kids. Same bat time. Same bat channel.
Anyhow, the first round of Tips for the Poverty Stricken were so wildly popular with the masses that I felt the need to elaborate further. Here goes:
Tip #1: The Self Hair Cut. You will find at some point, that your hair has grown unmanageable. You will want to have someone cut it for you. Someone who can actually SEE the back of your head. But alas, everyone you know who cuts hair professionally charges....money. And you have none. You can: ration out your Ramen noodles from the Dollar Store to save $12 for a hair cut. You can flip the couch over & shake out all the cushions and roll any change that may spew forth. Or you can cut your hair yourself.
If you follow this blog, you may have noticed a few posts back that I had a little mishap with my own hair recently.See: http://welcometomypsychosis.blogspot.com/2011/03/dealing-with-bad-hand.html (I don't know if clicking on that will really take you there because I'm no internet genius but what the hey, try it out & let me know how it goes, if it doesn't work, just scroll down, like, two posts.) Hair disasters are to be expected when you're penniless. It's like shopping at the Dollar General (they should pay me royalties or something for all the business I'm throwing their way, HINT, HINT!) you don't have to like it but you need to accept it. Plus, think how your hair looks now. Could anything you do really make it worse?
So be brave and fearless, grab those scissors and hack away. We can all look horrible together.
Tip #2: Avoiding the Gas Pump. I've recently noticed the sky rocketing gas prices. This does not help the plight of the Poverty Stricken one bit. One of my favorite hobbies is coasting around with the car on "E", mostly out of necessity, and maybe a little bit because, like Kramer on Seinfeld, I just want to see how far I can really go before the car rolls to a complete stop. Eventually though, you will be forced to mug a nice old lady for $5 so you can put a half gallon in the tank. Make the most of your 12 miles of freedom. Try not to run around all willy-nilly. Plan your trips wisely. (That's actual advice, not the casual sarcasm I usually throw at you.)
Also (back to casual sarcasm) keep a pair of sneakers in your car, if not on your feet. When your car runs out of gas, you'll want to be able to walk to the nearest place to beg use of their phone so a person with more gas than you can come to your rescue.
Why not use your cell phone to call for help? BECAUSE YOU'RE POOR. YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. If you still have a cell phone, you are not poverty stricken, you're just "strapped for cash." Plus, if you live around here, you probably don't get a signal anyways so you might as well just throw your phone in the Raystown Lake. (I don't know why, but that's always where I seem to suggest throwing them, see older posts from 2009 on that subject. Someday they'll drain the dam & find like 10,000 cell phones at the bottom & I'll get hauled in for littering, or at least blamed for it, even though I don't even have a cell phone. But I digress.)
So what were we talking about? Oh yes, make sure you have comfy shoes to walk for help in.
Tip #3 It's Ok to Eat Dead Stuff. Ok, this might offend some. Especially if you are vegan or vegetarian or Californian. If, theoretically, you happen to say, get hit by a deer (not the other way around because after all, your car never left the road- THEY lept out at YOU) while driving down the road minding your own business, and if, theoretically, that hit is fatal to the deer (stay with me on this) why not.... eat it? I'm just sayin'. It's perfectly good meat, you know it's fresh and your car already made hamburger out of most of it. It's not like the deer's family is going to come by and demand you return the body so they can properly lay it to rest at the side of the road for the buzzards to snack on. And, let me remind you, you're Poverty Stricken (I like to capitalize those words to make us Poverty Stricken feel important) you don't get to pick & choose any more. You're a bottom feeder now and you're probably getty pret-ty sick of those Ramen noodles.
So if you run over something substantial, go on, eat it. But first butcher it and cook it. I don't want you to get worms then get all fussy at me for not telling you to cook it first. Sheesh, do I have to do all the work around here? ***NOTE**** Dear PETA, do not send me any letters telling me I'm awful for eating God's animals. That's why he gave them to me in the first place. Plus the deer was dead anyhow. Why waste it?
Ok. Well that's it for today, my caffeine induced haze is wearing off. See you next time, kids. Same bat time. Same bat channel.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
A Pawn In Their Evil Scheme
It started so innocently. Someone opened an Old Folks Home in town. Then another one opened across the street. After a few decades, they both slowly, ever so slowly, began to expand. First by building an addition here, and an addition there. Then, ever so sneakily, they began to stretch outward in a never ending sea of cottages and apartments. They gave the new streets quaint names like “Memory Lane” & “Milk of Magnesia Rd.” No one noticed. No one ever saw it coming.
For years we’ve been ignoring them. It’s what they counted on. It gave them time to see their plans come to fruition without the younger crowd foolishly interfering. It’s all part of their master plot. Yes. The Old People are taking over the world and Martinsburg has become their sprawling Mecca.
Now that they’ve taken over the town, they no longer stay contained within the confines of the Homes. They’re Day Walkers. Worse yet, Day Drivers. Randy Marsh on South Park was right when he went running down the road screaming “STAN! STAN! GET OFF THE ROAD!! THE OLD PEOPLE ARE DRIVING!!” Oh I’ve seen it. And since most of my very part-time jobs are in Martinsburg, I’ve even been stranded in their parades, slowly cruising through town with the other dismayed drivers reaching break neck speeds of 15mph.
But the Day Drivers are just a distraction. They’re like Kamikaze drivers sent forth to wreak havoc and chaos while the others, yes there are others, stay behind in the secret lair to continue plotting. Although I have no blue prints or otherwise solid evidence to back up my theory, I feel fairly confident that there is a huge underground room that connects the two Old Folks Homes. They call it the “Canasta Room” but that’s not what’s really going on inside. That’s just a clever guise to ward off any intruding Younger People.
Imagine my surprise to find myself part of their evil schemes. Do you know why? Because they have mastered the power of Mind Control. They needed a younger body, a minion of sorts to do their bidding. I still don’ t know how they hooked me originally. But when I step back, I realize that a lot of my friends are retired plus. They range from early 60’s to mid 80’s. I’m only 33. And apparently they’ve been secretly grooming me for years. The church ladies, my Quilting Ladies, even my OWN GRANDMOTHER (Gram! How could you!) Their plot is so diabolical that even I, the Chosen One, have yet to discover what they’re really up to.
Their geriatric apocalypse is nigh. But I’m sure they’ll wrap it up by 3:30pm so they can be back to have dinner by 5:00pm and be in bed by 6:30pm. And it won’t be on a Saturday cause that’s when everyone gathers in the “Canasta Room” to watch Lawrence Welk blow bubbles on their gigantic flat screen television while they enjoy umbrella drinks filled with Ensure.
I am supposed to be marking a quilt right now. But the then the Old People “inspired” me to blog instead, thus rendering me useless to all humanity. And there was nothing I could do about it. See how they are? It's all about trickery. They’re very clever. Well played, Old People.
For years we’ve been ignoring them. It’s what they counted on. It gave them time to see their plans come to fruition without the younger crowd foolishly interfering. It’s all part of their master plot. Yes. The Old People are taking over the world and Martinsburg has become their sprawling Mecca.
Now that they’ve taken over the town, they no longer stay contained within the confines of the Homes. They’re Day Walkers. Worse yet, Day Drivers. Randy Marsh on South Park was right when he went running down the road screaming “STAN! STAN! GET OFF THE ROAD!! THE OLD PEOPLE ARE DRIVING!!” Oh I’ve seen it. And since most of my very part-time jobs are in Martinsburg, I’ve even been stranded in their parades, slowly cruising through town with the other dismayed drivers reaching break neck speeds of 15mph.
But the Day Drivers are just a distraction. They’re like Kamikaze drivers sent forth to wreak havoc and chaos while the others, yes there are others, stay behind in the secret lair to continue plotting. Although I have no blue prints or otherwise solid evidence to back up my theory, I feel fairly confident that there is a huge underground room that connects the two Old Folks Homes. They call it the “Canasta Room” but that’s not what’s really going on inside. That’s just a clever guise to ward off any intruding Younger People.
Imagine my surprise to find myself part of their evil schemes. Do you know why? Because they have mastered the power of Mind Control. They needed a younger body, a minion of sorts to do their bidding. I still don’ t know how they hooked me originally. But when I step back, I realize that a lot of my friends are retired plus. They range from early 60’s to mid 80’s. I’m only 33. And apparently they’ve been secretly grooming me for years. The church ladies, my Quilting Ladies, even my OWN GRANDMOTHER (Gram! How could you!) Their plot is so diabolical that even I, the Chosen One, have yet to discover what they’re really up to.
Their geriatric apocalypse is nigh. But I’m sure they’ll wrap it up by 3:30pm so they can be back to have dinner by 5:00pm and be in bed by 6:30pm. And it won’t be on a Saturday cause that’s when everyone gathers in the “Canasta Room” to watch Lawrence Welk blow bubbles on their gigantic flat screen television while they enjoy umbrella drinks filled with Ensure.
I am supposed to be marking a quilt right now. But the then the Old People “inspired” me to blog instead, thus rendering me useless to all humanity. And there was nothing I could do about it. See how they are? It's all about trickery. They’re very clever. Well played, Old People.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Dealing With a Bad Hand
I had one of those "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" slow motion moments just now when I inadvertently dumped most of the broth from my Ramen noodles down that tiny slot between my counter and my stove. (I know, Ramen noodles - Ha Ha!) I don't know how it happened. My hands have poured noodles from a pan to a bowl many times. Why is it that they suddenly decided to pour the soup elsewhere?
Did I begin the pour with too much gusto? I don't know but I am certainly not pulling the stove out to sop up that broth. It can lay there and congeal with all the other food particles I've lost down there over the years.
Last week I decided to cut my bangs. I'm a beauty school drop out, I can handle it. Or so I thought. I looked in the mirror and deduced that the very best length at which to cut them would be the bridge of my nose. Excellent! Good plan Kelly! I opened up the medicine cabinet to pull out my scissors. I held the scissors in my hand and closed the door, peering in the mirror. Then I proceeded to wack off a chunk of hair at my eyebrow line, not the bridge of my nose. What the??!!! WE HAD A PLAN. WHY DID MY HAND NOT FOLLOW THE PLAN?!
That slight of hand left me with Audrey Hepburn - Breakfast at Tiffany's bangs. Only she could pull it off. And I'm pretty sure she didn't cut them herself. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know why my hands are sabotaging everything I do. Maybe this is a side effect from eating so many Ramen noodles from the Dollar Store.
Did I begin the pour with too much gusto? I don't know but I am certainly not pulling the stove out to sop up that broth. It can lay there and congeal with all the other food particles I've lost down there over the years.
Last week I decided to cut my bangs. I'm a beauty school drop out, I can handle it. Or so I thought. I looked in the mirror and deduced that the very best length at which to cut them would be the bridge of my nose. Excellent! Good plan Kelly! I opened up the medicine cabinet to pull out my scissors. I held the scissors in my hand and closed the door, peering in the mirror. Then I proceeded to wack off a chunk of hair at my eyebrow line, not the bridge of my nose. What the??!!! WE HAD A PLAN. WHY DID MY HAND NOT FOLLOW THE PLAN?!
That slight of hand left me with Audrey Hepburn - Breakfast at Tiffany's bangs. Only she could pull it off. And I'm pretty sure she didn't cut them herself. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know why my hands are sabotaging everything I do. Maybe this is a side effect from eating so many Ramen noodles from the Dollar Store.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A Tribute To My Running Partner
Having a slow, deaf dog tag along on a run was not my idea of exercise and I began to cleverly sneak away when he wasn’t looking. I’d peep out the window to see where in the yard or on the porch he was laying. Then I would exit through the door farthest away from him. He couldn’t hear so if I was vewy, vewy qwiet (Elmer Fudd) I could get out of sight before he woke up and noticed me. I thought.
But Bud had a keen nose on him that must have been compensating for his lack of hearing. That blasted dog could smell me leave the house. (I didn’t think I smelled that bad really.) So I had to watch out the window to see which way the breeze was blowing and throw that into my sneaking equation also. This might be a good place to add that I’m really bad at math so anything involving equations for me is not going to end well.
No matter how quickly or quietly I left the property, about a half a mile down the road I would hear the jingle of his dog tags and the clacking of his toenails on the pavement somewhere behind me. I would turn around and there in the distance, smiling with his tongue hanging out would be my old pal Bud, jogging to catch up with me.
The Husband once watched Bud track me through the yard after I left. He said Bud appeared out of nowhere (he had been sleeping under the porch) and starting sniffing all around the house till he found my scent at the door. Then he tracked my steps down to the shop (where I had stopped to say “Hey! I’m going for a run –try to distract Bud if you see him” ) and then proceeded to zig zag through the yard in the exact same places I had walked. Yes, he would follow me anywhere.
Part of this weird devotion started when he was young. Bud & I were strolling down the road together and he hopped up on a bank into a field to sniff around. The weeds were high and he didn’t know I was there when he came leaping through them, off the bank and onto…me. He flattened me right there on the road. It knocked me almost to the yellow line where I lay, staring at the sky and laughing, despite the road rash. Thank God no one ran me over. Bud ran over to me and desperately licked my face in an apology. After that incident, he never left my side again. I didn’t have to use a leash, he stuck right there with me. Until he couldn't keep up anymore. But that didn't stop him from trying.
You may be thinking "Why not just tie him up or throw him in the house if you didn't want him to go?" Valid question. Believe me, I tried. But the minute Bud smelled my running shoes, he'd go bananas and turn into a puppy again, jumping and leaping away from me every time I lunged at him to put him in the basement. There was no catching him. If he saw: me in a pony tail, me wearing running shoes, or me in a baseball hat, an aura of joy immediately enveloped him, giving him super canine powers to scamper and evade. These powers only lasted until I actually started down the road with him in tow and he would revert back to Old Man Winters again, still smiling cause he won.
Last summer I all but gave up and just walked all year, knowing there was no escaping Bud. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. So we poked along all summer and fall.
But this year it will be different. My oldest running partner got called home in November, leaving a big sad empty hole in our lives where he used to be. His collar is hanging on a peg in the basement. I’ve laced his dog tags onto my running shoes so he can still be with me every time I go for a run. What I wouldn’t give now to hear those toenails clacking down the road again.
In Loving Memory
"Bud"
Nov. 1996 - Nov. 2010
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tips for the Poverty Stricken
Hey Kids! Do your bills exceed your earnings? Have you already sold the family heirlooms and a kidney to make ends meet? Are you cold and hungry? Are you considering turning to a life of crime? If you answered yes then Congratulations! You're poverty stricken!
Here are some helpful tips for those who are new at this:
1. the Dollar Store or Dollar General
Forget Walmart. That's for lower middle class, or upper lower class. You, my friend, are now lower lower class. You will not be shopping at fancy places that can hire greeters or have motorized carts. Find a local Dollar Store. Embrace it. It is the key to survival.
2. Ramen Noodles.
For a mere $1.00 you can buy a six pack of Ramen Noodles. (That is SIX MEALS for a DOLLAR!)They come in a variety of flavors, being: Chicken, Beef, or Shrimp. Chicken for lunch, Beef for dinner, and Shrimp for those special occasions that call for seafood, such as an anniversary or Fridays during the Lenten Season.
3. Coffee!
When paired with the Ramen Noodles, you have a substitute for heat! The coffee and Ramen Noodle combo will warm you up and get you hyper about your unsatisfactory station in life. With the extra burst of energy, you may even find yourself a new job! But probably not. I haven't yet. At least not one that doesn't pay in magical beans or coupons. But that's no reason for YOU to lose hope!! However, in the event that a miracle doesn't occur, the sodium in the soup as well as the carbs from the noodles will get your blood flowing and circulating and help keep you warm. The coffee mug (provided you still have one) can be filled with coffee, which when clasped between your freezing paws also acts as a handwarmer. When the mug is empty, you can use it to panhandle for change.
Don't underestimate the power of coffee.
4. Handy Excuses!
You will need these to ward off your friends when they innocently ask you to go out to lunch with them. They don't know you're poor- it's one of those crazy things you just don't sing about from the rooftops. So unless you don't mind saying "Sorry, I'm a total failure with no prospects, no heat, and no money" then I suggest you start your list of excuses. I'll even help get you started:
"I can't, I've got an appointment to donate at the Red Cross" They don't need to know you're actually going because you get paid to donate and you really need a dollar for a new sixer of Ramen noodles. They'll think you're a swell upstanding citizen, doing your part to better humanity.
"Sorry, I have an appointment to hang out with my Gramma that day.." Maybe you have a gram, maybe you don't. Maybe that gram has a house that has heat, or maybe she has something to eat that's not a Ramen noodle, it doesn't matter, what matters is that it SOUNDS GOOD.
"I have a job interview that day." Wishful thinking, huh? But a valid excuse.
I would like to add more to this post but the electric company is shutting off my power in a few moments*. Stay tuned for my next post "How to Sneak in Someone's House to Blog" followed by "Delightful Recipes involving Ramen Noodles You Can Cook Over a Campfire in Your Living Room."
*No Gram, you don't need to worry, they're not really turning off my power. But I AM coming to your house tomorrow...
Here are some helpful tips for those who are new at this:
1. the Dollar Store or Dollar General
Forget Walmart. That's for lower middle class, or upper lower class. You, my friend, are now lower lower class. You will not be shopping at fancy places that can hire greeters or have motorized carts. Find a local Dollar Store. Embrace it. It is the key to survival.
2. Ramen Noodles.
For a mere $1.00 you can buy a six pack of Ramen Noodles. (That is SIX MEALS for a DOLLAR!)They come in a variety of flavors, being: Chicken, Beef, or Shrimp. Chicken for lunch, Beef for dinner, and Shrimp for those special occasions that call for seafood, such as an anniversary or Fridays during the Lenten Season.
3. Coffee!
When paired with the Ramen Noodles, you have a substitute for heat! The coffee and Ramen Noodle combo will warm you up and get you hyper about your unsatisfactory station in life. With the extra burst of energy, you may even find yourself a new job! But probably not. I haven't yet. At least not one that doesn't pay in magical beans or coupons. But that's no reason for YOU to lose hope!! However, in the event that a miracle doesn't occur, the sodium in the soup as well as the carbs from the noodles will get your blood flowing and circulating and help keep you warm. The coffee mug (provided you still have one) can be filled with coffee, which when clasped between your freezing paws also acts as a handwarmer. When the mug is empty, you can use it to panhandle for change.
Don't underestimate the power of coffee.
4. Handy Excuses!
You will need these to ward off your friends when they innocently ask you to go out to lunch with them. They don't know you're poor- it's one of those crazy things you just don't sing about from the rooftops. So unless you don't mind saying "Sorry, I'm a total failure with no prospects, no heat, and no money" then I suggest you start your list of excuses. I'll even help get you started:
"I can't, I've got an appointment to donate at the Red Cross" They don't need to know you're actually going because you get paid to donate and you really need a dollar for a new sixer of Ramen noodles. They'll think you're a swell upstanding citizen, doing your part to better humanity.
"Sorry, I have an appointment to hang out with my Gramma that day.." Maybe you have a gram, maybe you don't. Maybe that gram has a house that has heat, or maybe she has something to eat that's not a Ramen noodle, it doesn't matter, what matters is that it SOUNDS GOOD.
"I have a job interview that day." Wishful thinking, huh? But a valid excuse.
I would like to add more to this post but the electric company is shutting off my power in a few moments*. Stay tuned for my next post "How to Sneak in Someone's House to Blog" followed by "Delightful Recipes involving Ramen Noodles You Can Cook Over a Campfire in Your Living Room."
*No Gram, you don't need to worry, they're not really turning off my power. But I AM coming to your house tomorrow...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)